An Artist at Play

Archive for September, 2012

Mournings

Auntie Donna’s memorial was two weeks ago.  This was the second memorial in one month for my mom and I.  The only small fight we had was I think Mom should get a GPS.  She disagrees and thinks getting lost is an adventure.  I think going an hour out of our way on a seven-hour drive is cruel.

 

I’m really looking forward to going out of town for some fun and not to mourn someone.  This memorial was harder than Auntie Lucie’s.  We hadn’t gotten over Auntie Lucie’s death when Auntie Donna passed.  A lot of the same people were at both services.  I could tell a lot of people were still very angry about Auntie Donna’s passing.  Some people said it felt surreal and like we were back there to remember Auntie Lucie.  I agree.  It felt really surreal.  I had the privilege of speaking at the service.  I love being on stage, but not like this.  I made sure to write out my statement before I left in case I started to lose it.  This way, I had something to focus on and if I lost it, someone else could take over and read it.  I pulled it off.  I used every acting trick I could think of.  Luckily, the botox in my jaw keeps me from frowning.

 

This trip was completely different than when I went up for Auntie Lucie’s memorial.  I did not have the same feeling of family that I had last time.  I was grateful that Mom and I stayed with Uncle Ray.  He is Auntie Lucie’s brother.  I didn’t know him that well before the trip.  He’s an artist and we shared many laughs together in his living room.  His house is amazingly accessible, which made it much easier on Mom and I.  I was disappointed I didn’t get to see my cousins as much as I would have liked.  They were very busy cleaning out Auntie Donna’s condo.

 

The hardest part of the memorial was I didn’t feel Auntie Donna’s presence.  The memorial just didn’t feel like her.  It was wonderful meeting coworkers and friends who I had never met, but I wasn’t in a mood to be social.  I felt like everyone was searching for comfort.  I had no comforting words to give them except I believe Auntie Lucie and Auntie Donna are together and can finally have the relationship they always wanted.  I felt like I shut down around all the people.  I just wanted to be alone.  I didn’t want to feel like I had to be “on.”

 

Losing both my aunts so close together has been really difficult.  I’m finally starting to feel more like myself again.  My pilot writing class has been extra hard this quarter.  I just haven’t feeling as creative as usual, especially when it comes to writing comedy.  I pushed through and, with the help of some friends, I finished the pilot and punched it up.  Next week, I’m going on vacation.  I need a break.  I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  The break will do me good.  When I get back, I plan on revisiting the pilot and putting a final polish on it.

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